Alive at 5:05am: July 2012

I hear this question almost every day from someone different, "how do you get up that early?!" when talking about going to boot camp.

Well, the truth is, it's really really hard, I just do it. No dragging, just roll out of bed, put your clothes on and go. No stopping, no thinking, just get to the car and your 95% there already. Easy right?!

What most people don't know about me is that I've been struggling all my life with weight. I blame it on my German ancestry (ha, I kid). It's something I work at every single time I take a bite. Is this going to be worth it? Am I going to feel guilty for it later? Those are the things that go through my mind when I'm thinking of eating. Does everyone have these thoughts or is it just me?

The worst thing for me is my guilt. When I give into a craving, I beat myself up for it for a long time. I usually snap back and eat something better for me the next time I eat, but instead of buyer's remorse, I have eaters remorse.

In high school I joined LA Weight loss with my mom. The weight just FELL off me. It was soo easy! Losing weight is easy when you don't have a job, your mom makes your meals and she pays for you to go to the weight loss place. All of that was fantastic for me, it gave me confidence in myself in a time that I needed it. I loved how I looked. I met my husband in the end of my senior year and fell in love. I was so happy then, all the sudden during the summer in between my senior year of high school and college, my dad passed away. I stopped caring about what I was eating. I just ate and ate. Sure I had the love of my husband friends and family, but I didn't know how to deal with loss. It's something that no one should just know how to do. That on top of living in the college dorms, feeling slightly alone because your roommate is never there, feeling like the walls are closing in on you. On top of all that, my brother was in Iraq. The one person that is feeling the same amount (if not more) grief than me is on the other side of the globe. I could write him letters, but couldn't watch the news. Every time I watched the news, I'd think it's going to be him. I always would think the worst.

I moved out of the dorm half way through my freshman year in college into my own house. That was the best thing I could have ever done. My best friend moved in with me and I made a new best friend in the process. It was easy to have Jeremy come over and stay with me. I was no longer alone. Yet, I still was in a lot of ways. You can tell from photos from back then, that I was definitely filling my void with something.

That something was food, a lot of food. That was 9 years ago now. Throughout college I gained about 90 pounds. I went from 150lbs to 240. After college, when I entered into the working world. It made it easy to stay heavy, especially in the industry I work in. With rep dinners, lunches and the constant flow of food through the office, I maintained my weight.

Then, one day I decided it was time to be done with that chapter of my life. I signed up for the gym and weight watchers in the winter of 2008 (I think). I started going to the Y with no real motivation. I wasn't nearly as committed as I am now. I lost 40lbs between that time and now (2012). It's been a SLOW process for me, but I haven't kept with it 100% the entire time either. I fluctuated. A LOT! I'd have good months and bad months. I'd do really well for a LONG time, then I'd go on vacation and never bounce back from it and slip right back into old habits.

Now, I'm in the best shape I've been in a very long time. I'm not trying to fill a void anymore, there's no reason to eat my feelings. So, why am I not happy? Why do I want to keep busting my ass every morning to get up just to be sore for the next 2 days? It's not entirely for vain reasons, it's honestly because of fear. Fear that I'll have a heart attack like my dad did, or high blood pressure like my brother. Or maybe the fear of having a child and putting unnecessary stress on my body because of weight I could have gotten off before.

Regardless, getting up as early as I do is not easy. It's not what you would call fun. It just is what it is. I know this is the commitment to myself that I don't want to break. The worst feeling of all is letting yourself down.